Worn
by OtterPotter
Summary: "If she knew I was writing this she would probably shoot me. Attached are the coordinates of our next destination and our ETA. Don't screw this up." Shepard was not invincible, and she could not fool her crew forever. FemShep/Kaidan


**This story has been floating around in my head for months and then made its way into a notebook before finally begging me to do something with it. I am planning on writing more with this Shepard (you may or may not see a few things that hint at another story), but I want to see how this goes over first. Just so you know my Shepard is an infiltrator, a war hero, and a spacer-with my own twist to that back story. Hope you enjoy!**

Strong minds can be worn at**. **What it takes to do so varies, but it inevitably happens. With some this can be trivial, causing only insomnia or slight self-doubt. But there are cases were the hardships one is put against are so extreme that it breaks them down. There are the times were one after another extreme situations and difficulties arise that one alone would break any normal person. It is at this time that something important is realized- no one is invincible. No matter what we say, no matter what we think, no matter what we make other people believe- we all have limits. We all have a breaking point.

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She had slipped slowly into depression. It had started with dying, watching her life fade away as she desperately fought to keep breathing. Then it came with waking up again, being sent away from her place of peace because she was still needed. It didn't help that two years had passed without her knowledge and her first actions of her second life were fighting to defend it. Two years had been but a second to her, and all of the sudden everything was different, all of the sudden everything that she had loved was gone. The depression only intensified as she had to resign to working with Cerberus because no one else would help her. All the while she was desperately trying to find Kaidan. Seeking him out proved to be both fruitless and nerve-wracking, and she started to have difficulty sleeping again as somewhere along the way her nightmares, with a few new additions, had returned. Shepard's anger from Horizon managed to combat away the depression for a short time, but eventually it turned around and fueled the depression. Even surviving a suicide mission with crew and ship intact did nothing to rid herself of it. And so even with her well-formed, well-practiced façade, her crew- especially those who knew her in her first life-began to realize the truth. Harmony Shepard was barely making it through each day.

Joker was the first to notice. He had been one of her best friends on the old Normandy, and on the new Normandy he was closer to her than any of the other crew members from the start. But although Shepard and he were close, none of his efforts to help her turned out successfully. Especially after Dr. Chakwas' less-than-subtle suggestion of anti-depressants, the Spectre worked stubbornly at convincing everyone that nothing was wrong. And so day by day her reality became a charade, a game of how many people she could fool into believing there was nothing wrong with her. She played the game well, sometimes even fooling herself, but there were still times where her true emotions seeped through the fake "Commander Shepard face" she had made for herself. It was those few moments that had convinced her crew to conspire about how to help her, until finally they came up with a last-ditch plan, and Joker sent an email to Kaidan.

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His inbox had too many new messages in it, none that he wanted to deal with. He scrolled through the unread ones, wondering how he could manage to have so many that he did not want and then never get a response from the one person he really wanted to. Kaidan had sent Shepard a message trying to apologize for Horizon, but had never gotten a response from her. He wondered if she was still angry at him, or too busy, or just couldn't think of anything to say. More than anything he wanted a chance to talk to her, to figure everything out. His train of thought was interrupted as he came across a message from Joker. His hand waivered a minute before opening it, his heart beating a little faster as he wondered about the intent of the email. Was it about Shepard? He clicked the message open.

"_Alenko-_

_I don't know what was said on Horizon. Hell, I don't know how you feel about Shepard anymore. But I do know how she feels about you. And I know that she is hurting, bad enough for it to show. You and I both know Shepard, so I know you know what I am talking about when I say that it has to be something big for her to be showing signs of it. Some of it is your fault. Some of it is not. That's not the point though. Look, I'm not writing this to lecture you or give you a sob story. All I know is Shepard is one of the most unselfish people I know, and has done a hell of a lot for the good of the galaxy and is still fighting for it. No one deserves the amount of brokenness I've seen in her, but least of all her. _

_If anyone can help her, it's you. One of the first things she asked me when I saw her for the first time after her death was about your location. After Horizon she was pissed, but she was definitely hurt. She still has feelings for you, I'm positive. If you still care about her at all you'll try to help her, hear her side of the story. _

_If you haven't already got the details from somebody:_

_-She was dead for two years. Yes, __dead__. As in not alive. Deceased. From what I've heard you haven't been too clear on this fact._

_-Cerberus brought her back to life, and she fought them every step of the way until she realized that no one else was willing to help her._

_-She once again delayed certain doom from overcoming our side of the galaxy._

_-She no longer works for Cerberus _

_If she knew I was writing this she would probably shoot me. Nevertheless, if you hurt her any more you will have to deal with her entire crew, and after she got us all through that suicide mission we tend to be a bit possessive. _

_Attached are the coordinates of our next destination, our ETA, and how long we will be staying there._

_Don't screw this up."_

Kaidan stood up and paced around the room, trying to figure out how he was going to work this out. Everything that he had said before was fueled by an irrational anger at Shepard for abandoning him. But time had given him the chance to realize that his anger was irrational, and that Shepard did not deserve it. She was doing the best that she could under the circumstances, and he could not condemn her for that. More importantly he still loves her, and it caused him more pain then he could have imagined knowing that his Shepard was hurting. He sat back down in his chair, massaging his temples. A migraine started to ease its way into existence, and he silently bid it to leave him. Kaidan needed his brain functioning properly in order to solve this problem.

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Harmony Shepard was one of the last people you would expect to have a teddy bear. On the first Normandy after she admitted to plaguing nightmares Kaidan had nervously given one to her. When asked for an explanation he told her that he had known someone with the same problem and this is what had helped her. If she had been any other person this might not have worked, but Harmony had loved stuffed animals when she was a little girl, and the fact that Kaidan had given her one had her overwhelmed. She accepted the gift and promptly stationed the teddy bear on her bed. She named it Kaidan.

The teddy bear Kaidan was lost in the wreckage of the first Normandy. After Horizon, but before the email from Kaidan had arrived, a package had arrived for Harmony. It contained the same type of teddy bear along with a note in handwriting she recognized. It simply said, "To keep your nightmares away." After that Kaidan the Second took up the empty spot in Harmony's bed.

So it was now that after a particularly harrowing day that she has in her most comfortable pajamas, snuggling Kaidan the Second, trying to glean what comfort she could from it. There was an empty ceramic mug sitting on her desk, left over from her cup of tea. Eventually she gave up on sleeping and walked over to her desk. Opening the email that Kaidan had sent her from after Horizon she read it over for the umpteenth time. Glancing at the picture of Kaidan that inhabited her desk she tried again to write a response to the email, and after attempting for at least a half an hour to compose a suitable reply she sighed and shut off the computer screen. It was then that the door to her quarters opened.

"What did I tell you guys about coming into my quarters unann-" She cut off as Kaidan walked into the room. "Oh…that would explain the nervous looks my crew has been giving me. I wonder how they got EDI in on it. Well, anyway, whatever they put you up to, I don't need it. I'm perfectly fine."

Kaidan took one glance at her and then gave her a look that told her he knew otherwise.

"You don't look fine," he said. It was true, she had left off her "Commander Shepard face" for him out of habit, and Harmony Shepard looked pretty beat up.

"Maybe not," Harmony admitted, "But I can take care of myself. I've been doing so long before I met you."

"You don't have to do it alone," he told her, taking a step towards her. Shepard took a step back.

"Oh really? Because you didn't seem too eager to help me on Horizon. Really, I understand that you were hurt and confused, but was that really the best way to handle the situation? Did you ever consider that I was hurt and confused as well? Couldn't you have at least made an effort to hear my side of whatever crazy rumors you heard and equally crazy assumptions that you made? I had thought that you could have at least given me that much, considering our relationship." Shepard told him.

"I'm sorry," Kaidan said.

"I know. But you have no idea how much it hurt me, that the one person I was depending on…" Harmony trailed off and then tried again, "I don't want you to feel obligated to help me. Despite what my crew may have told you, I will live to fight another day."

Kaidan stepped towards her again, and this time she did not step back.

"Harmony," Kaidan said, "let me make this very clear. I am not here because I feel guilty or obligated. I'm here because… I love you. Always."

Harmony couldn't stop herself form crying. After all of the depression and sorrow she had been carrying around, that statement was all it took to start her tears. Kaidan didn't hesitate; he just took her into his arms and held her. He felt his heart break because he couldn't fathom how much pain it had taken to have Shepard sobbing into his chest. And he was part of that pain. Well, it was time to remedy that. He maneuvered them until they were sitting on the couch, and then waited until she calmed a little before pulling back a little to look her in the eyes.

"Harmony, I'm so sorry. What can I do to help?" he asked her.

She looked at him through teary eyes and asked him, "You love me still?"

"Harmony Anne Shepard, I loved you from the moment I saw you and I will always love you."

Harmony closed her eyes and smiled a broken smile.

"I missed that," she said, "I had hoped that you still loved me. I didn't think so on Horizon, but when you sent me the teddy bear I thought that maybe you still did."

"I still do."

"Good. Kaidan?"

"Yes?"

"I love you too."

"Good." And with that he leaned in and kissed her, then held her again. They stayed like that for a long while. Kaidan couldn't help wondering why Harmony had been chosen for this life. She was strong and a good soldier, an excellent commander, but she lacked most of the coldness or emotional detachment that he had considered necessary for someone in her position. Until now, he realized. Harmony had figured out how to handle herself and her emotions, but still managed to keep her warmth and kindness. It had taken enormously unusual and traumatic experiences to bring her down, and even when she was depressed she still functioned like she did before, ignoring her pain.

Kaidan realized that Harmony had fallen asleep. She was asleep in his arms, and it just felt…right.

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She was running as fast as she could, heart pounding. Running to save them. She watched as the spaceship exploded with her mom and dad in it, unable to move. Then the scene changed and she saw Kaidan and her old crew. Every time she tried to walk towards them she was pulled back. Then everything went black and she was running blindly for her life away from some unknown pursuer until she woke up with a jolt.

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Harmony was lying in her bed under the covers. She blinked for a moment, trying to process this. Then she remembered Kaidan. A longing formed inside of her at the thought of him, and she hoped he had stayed. Harmony rolled over and saw him next to her. Relief flooded through her body. He was lying next to her, still awake.

"Bad dreams?" he asked. Harmony nodded.

"I've been having them ever since…I died." She told him.

"What are they about, Harmony? Tell me what's hurting you." He said.

"What's hurting me? Do you mean from the dreams or in general?"

"Whatever you need to talk about; I'm here to listen. What is hurting you so much that your crew had to contact me?"

Harmony hesitated.

"Dying. I think that was the first thing. Getting spaced is not pleasant. And it has seemed to reopen old wounds. I keep dreaming about my parents and Ash. So many people have died around me. Some of them have been my fault. And then I actually died. I struggled in vain, desperately trying to breathe as the pain bloomed in my chest. And then I can't remember what happened next, even though I remember that there was something to remember. A light. A voice. Peace. That's all. I woke up expecting everything to be the same and it wasn't  
"All the things I've seen, done, and been through weigh heavily on me. I thought at least if I had my love with me I'd be able to make it through. And so I was even more torn up when I realized that wasn't going to happen. I was terrified that I had lost you too, the only person I have truly loved.  
"I've kept this all inside of me, and it's been eating at me. I have nightmares about dying, about Ash's and my parent's deaths. It hurts."

Kaidan pulled her close to him so that their faces were almost touching and his arms were around her.

"I am so sorry you have had to go through all of this. I'm here now, though, and we are going to get through this."

"How are we going to get through this together? What if I am forced to leave you again? How are you going to stay with me? What if you leave me? How is this going to work, Kaidan?"

Kaidan was silent for a moment.

"I'll transfer to the Normandy. The Alliance can't stop me."

"You can't do that. I do not want to be the one that made you abandon everything that you believe in, everything that is important to you."

"Harmony, I learned the hard way that everything I believe in, everything that is important to me is _you_."

There was a pause.

"Well in that case," She murmured before their lips met, "welcome aboard."

**Please review and tell me what you thought! **


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